A Little Comedy to Get Us Through This Election

This has been the most contentious election in most of our lives. Social media in particular has gotten very heated. But we have reached the finish line. Tonight, we will have a new President one way or another.

I have tried to bring a little humor and pull down the anger level over the past few months. Over the last 100 days of the race, I used the great Mitch Hedberg to calm us all down a little bit. I posted a new Hedberg joke on facebook every day. It started off as a goofy way to pass the time in a painful election season, but over time it became a necessary and therapeutic exercise for me. I hope it helped my friends get through too!

On this election day, I’d like to share all 166 jokes in no particular order that have gotten me through this election as well as one of his specials. If you are ever down (especially tonight), let Mitch Hedberg take some weight off your shoulders. The man was a comedic genius that is gone way to soon.

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Whatever happens tonight, I will continue to fight to continue being an optimist even in the hardest times. With that, take us away Mitch! (I’m not sure if this YouTube video will share with the settings correct or not, but it’s slowed down for some reason. Change the setting to Speed: 1.25 if it is still slowed down.)

 

All 166 jokes used in #HedbergElectionCountdown2016

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.”
I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing… it’s just flat!”
I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep, I will tip you over.”
Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis… one of those two doesn’t sound right.”
I got a fire alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. “Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle.”
I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say “Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?” And he says “no.” Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say “Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there.”
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add “er.”
I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it.”
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “Oh no, man, I juggle…. but I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever in here buying nine apples, bag ‘em up.”
You know how they call corn on the cob “corn on the cob,” right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn off the cob.”
I use the word “totally” way too much. I need to change it to something that’s different, but means the same thing. “Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?” “All encompassingly.”
I like vending machines… because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it’s maximum flavor potential.
I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend’s name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name. And she can tell because I don’t say “nn” as long.
I wish I could play Little League now… I’d kick some fuckin’ ass.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Snake eyes. It’s a gambling term. Or it’s an animal term, too.
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half way. So it’s like she’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I have a cheese shredder at home. That’s a positive name for it: cheese shredder. They don’t call it by its negative name because nobody would buy it… sponge ruiner.
I’ve seen a human pyramid before… it was very unnecessary.
This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments… and one complicated payment. We’re not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”… as though there’s any other way you can take it in.
I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say “What?” So I’ll say it again, but once again, he doesn’t hear me, so he says “What?!” But really, it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling “That tree is far away!”
My friend came up to me and he said “Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It was like, “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there.”
I hate turkeys… if you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself!”
I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me, because I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn’t apologize, he said “Move”, and I thought that was rude so I said “Go to hell”, and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said “Hey, you got a lot of nerve.” I said “Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories.
I asked directions to the store, this guy said, “Well that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away.” … “Well that’s not how I’m getting there… You got directions for those who are walking?”
My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor… must have been a ghost that had passed out.
I got a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes… all exciting at first, but then by the end, you’re fucking sick of ‘em.
I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don’t do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I can get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done… who knows?
You know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show.
The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall.
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods because when you’re in the woods trippin’, there’s a less likely chance you’ll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
I read last year that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, man… such an even number.
That would suck if a drink was ice cold… because then it would be impossible to drink.
If you’re a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
I wear a necklace now… because I like to know when I’m upside down.
I did a radio interview. The DJs first question was “Who are you?” I had to think, “Is this guy really deep or did I drive to the wrong station?”
I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. “Mitch’s pizzeria. This week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza.”
I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”
Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying “he loves me, he loves me not.” Thank god the flower can’t talk, what would it say? “Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I’m no longer pretty… And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!”
I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said “All right, fuck back on.”
My manager’s cool, he gets concerned, he says, “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk.
I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, “How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?” And then he said, “How many of you people feel like animals?” The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don’t go see doctor Acula.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fuckin’ meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “What would you like sir?” “A pastrami sandwich.” “Anything else?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people.”
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, “It’s cool, he’s with me.”
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna go shave… too.”
I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use… like an extreme longing for cake.
To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, “Have you ever tried sugar… or PCP?”
Two-in-One shampoo… Two-in-One is a bullshit term, because one is not big enough to hold two. That’s why two was created. If it was Two-in-One, it would be overflowing… the bottle would be all sticky and shit.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell… that would be completely unacceptable.
When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.
I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense. Because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick… and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap.
I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress understood me. Because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, “Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked, and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! It’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!”
I gotta idea for sweat shops… air conditioning! Problem solved.
I don’t wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop.”
I like the Fed Ex driver because he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicting to gambling… I’m addicting to sitting in a semicircle.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say “Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two.” And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. “Dufrane, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry – that’s a double whammy. We need help. “Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.”
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. How’d it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let’s form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I’m for ’em! Well this club is formed; spread the word on menus nationwide. I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well then you’re not in the fuckin’ club!
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said “No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.”
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to somebody you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucka!”
I was downtown in some town and they had store, store, store, and then there was an open area, then they had more stores. It said in the open area “Coming soon: The Gap” I’m like “Fuck, man. It’s coming soon and it’s already here.”
That would be cool if you lived with a monster… you would never get hiccups!
Some companies like to spell out words, so you call ‘em up and remember their name. But they use too many letters because they can’t edit it. “Give us a call at 1 800 I LOVE BRAND NEW CARPET.”
I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night and some people starting throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought “Who would throw a tomato at a band?” That’s bad. But then I thought “Who would bring a tomato to a show?” That’s even worse.
I like to drink red wine, this girl says “Doesn’t red wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing.” I’m not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end. “Mitch, do you want an apple?” “No, eventually it’ll be a core.”
If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says “Say thanks.”
I’m in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly,” he says “Do I have to dial 9?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.”
I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write “I really enjoyed being here” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. But I wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out. So I wrote, “I rarely… drive steamboats, dad.”
I want to climb a mountain, not so I can get to the top, because I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around. “Hey, you going to the top?” “Soon.”
I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that’s the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you’re like “Shit, I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk.”
… it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, “All right, well put some lettuce on it,” which they did. They said it’d be a $1.75. I said “It’s for a duck.” They said “All right, then it’s free.” See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. “Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck!”
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates.
I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was a little slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem, I said “Ed, how do you abbreviate ‘Arkansas’?” He said, “I don’t know. Just start spelling it and quit.”
I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit,” as if though there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I wear glasses. I stopped wearing ‘em… because when you wear glasses and you talk to someone, you always think they’re outside of a window.
I got a door deal here, I’m working for 50% of the door and then tomorrow I’m working for 50% of the door and then on Sunday… I’m gonna have a door.
I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. Literally. She was born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said “Lola does not know the meaning of the word “can’t.” And that to me was actually kind of worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions.
In Venice, Italy, they don’t have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, Italy, we have to keep the kids off the canals.
I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I perform at the colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because they’re quality shirts and they’re colorful. But people get the wrong idea, you know? I walk around with a Washington University shirt on and someone goes “Hey, Washington U, did you go there?” “Yeah… it was a Wednesday.”
I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer… when we used to fire up the barbecue… and throw down some Fritos.
One time I went to a craft fair, and I see a jar of jellybeans, it said “Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize.” Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what, you guess how many I want, if you said “a handful” you are right.
I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like, I’m at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says “What kind of cigars do you like?” “Uhh… Itsaboys.”
I got my hair highlighted… because I thought some strands were more important than others.
You know there’s a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign said “Sorry we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry; it’s 3am and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk in at 10am and say “Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology.”
I collect stamps. The easiest way to collect stamps… is to not mail shit.
Sometimes when you’re too drunk on stage, people get mad, they say “Can I get my money back?” That would be funny if people could get their money back for other shit when I was really drunk. Like, “I saw Mitch Hedberg. He was drunk… and I want to return this saw.”
There’s many billboards, they have the lotto jackpot, it says “Estimated lotto jackpot $55 million.” See, I didn’t know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go “Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.”
I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way, if I fall asleep with my clothes on, fuckin’ A, I’m tucked in.
I got a jump rope. That thing’s just a rope, man. You gotta make the jump thing happen.
I put Carmex on a cold sore. Because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable.
They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable… it’s just they taste shitty.
On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means “hold on” and yellow means “go ahead.” And red means “where the fuck did you get that banana?”
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for the donut, man. I’ll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a donut…
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald’s commercials end like this: “prices and participation may vary.” I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope… we got spaghetti!”
I like when they say that a movie was “inspired by a true story” because that’s weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. “Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?” “Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla.”
You know when it comes to racism, people say “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close.”
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient.
This jacket is dry clean only… which means it’s dirty.
I bought a house. It’s a two bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you?
I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match, it said “It’s a fight to the finish”… that’s a good place to end.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit!
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day.
I opened up a yogurt, it said “Please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong.
I haven’t slept for 10 days… because that would be too long.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
I like Kit Kats… unless I’m with four or more people. The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name ‘Kit-Kat’ imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory “You owe me some letters!”
I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? “‘
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don’t follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade.
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit’s under control.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus… or a really cool opotamus?
I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!”
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.
Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he’s a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. ‘Cause I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.
Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it’s the bullshit replica because dude didn’t even get his degree!
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.
I like the American-Canadian border, ’cause if you’re walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, ’cause first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?”:[Points to the side] “That asshole.” “When are you leaving?” “As soon as I regain my equilibrium!”
I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they’re just as good and weren’t wasting time.
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don’t have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It’s like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for “cold.” H must stand for, “Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!”
My apartment is infested with koala bars. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ‘em to. I’m like, “Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you.”
I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can’t buy any. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread– “sure man no problem– tell your friends”— but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread….You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain’t open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast.”
If I was the headless horseman’s horse, I would fuck with that dude. “Yeah, we’re going that way. We’re not headed towards the hay.” Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse, that would be fucking chaos. “We need a head!” Oh, I got a new headless horseman joke. I’d hate to be the headless horseman’s dentist. You wouldn’t make very much money.
I wrote down “tea ski.” What the fuck kinda joke is that? I have no clue. Tea ski, what the fuck? Oh yeah, I remember. I wanna go to a lake and put tea bags in there, for like a hundred of ‘em for like a week, and then I’m gonna tea ski.
Now let me ask you this: why do you think there’s a brick wall behind comedians? Maybe, in the old days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn’t that funny. All the old clubs had STRAW in the back. But then the wolf would have a bad set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we went to STICKS, and once again, he huffed and puffed, and the motherfucker fucked shit up again! Now we’re at bricks; the wolf ain’t funny, but he can’t do shit. That’s the Improv Fairy Tale.
This one commercial said “Forget everything you know about slip covers,” so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn’t know what the fuck they were.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
This ‘Improv’ sign is all over, all the improvs have it, and in Tempe, Arizona, the sign is made out of gold. I swear to God. And the dude wasn’t gonna pay me, so I stole the ‘M’, ’cause the ‘M’ seems like it weighs the most. Followed by the ‘R’. Then the ‘P’. The ‘P’ was one little thing away from being as heavy as the ‘R’. So I had a gold ‘M’, and I asked the guy if he’d like to buy a Gold ‘M’. He said “No, what the fuck do I want a gold ‘M’ for?” “Well how ’bout a gold ‘W’?” {pause for laughter} I had a bad set here last night, and they added an ‘E’ to the end of the sign.
I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, “Fuck it, cut ‘em up.”
My friend said to me, he said “I think the weather’s trippy.” And I said “No, man. It’s not the weather that’s trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said… ‘Yeah.’”
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought “Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog.” I would never say “Here comes that frog” in a horrifying manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Like, “Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.”
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
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